I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
