I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
