I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
