I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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