Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sorry my hands just texted you
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
