Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
