why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
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I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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