if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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