I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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