Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
