and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
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you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
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You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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