Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
