Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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