i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
