I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
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The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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