You're my little dorito
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
