I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize