omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
