how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
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Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
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I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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