its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
vagina is talking i cant
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
