Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
