So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
