I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
