That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
