I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
