Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
