It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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