my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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