Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
