You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
