I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
