seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
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so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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