Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
