im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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