I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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