I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
