Fine. I'll sleep in my office
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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