I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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