i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
