Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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