Pappa wants mamma naked
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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