you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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