We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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