My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
