no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
