Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
