so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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