I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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