Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
