so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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