I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
