I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
