He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
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I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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