woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
