I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
