I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im six kinds of drunk right now
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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