I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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