I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
